Give me a while to sort myself out, because this has affected me more than I expected it to. It shouldn't hurt so much at this point, I thought to myself, but I still feel wounded.
Here is a truth, which you might have already guessed if you've been here for a while now: I am not okay. I am currently trying to fight my way back to the light, and it hasn't been easy. I am a thing in the pit, facing my demons, and for the better part of this year, I have been dangerously close to being overcome (again).
On some days I am paralysed with fear, thinking I'll never get better. On some days I accept that maybe the beasts and I are one, and that it isn't so bad, except for the thought of being unloved.
This thing—what happened here—it is wave after wave of hurt that I have to come to terms with. But I need more time.
I was thinking, this is perhaps the most cruel thing of all: for a little act that seemed so innocuous to come along and take you apart without you noticing. Do you know how it is, to be so—undone?
I worked so hard to rebuild my life. A few days before I found out about all of this, I actually thought I might be getting somewhere. And then—
This is all I have. Do you understand?
Give me time. To think. Perhaps to grieve. Something was lost here, something was taken from all of us, and it will never be the same.
"But that woman, that woman: bent forward with her head in her hands, she'd completely fallen into herself."
— Rainer Maria Rilke, from The Notebooks of Malte Lauris Brigge
I don't know what my plans are, to be honest. But let's keep in touch. You know where to find me.
11 September 2013
it might take a while, but i will write back — so here:
readalittlepoetry at gmail dot com
In the meantime, here are some old letters.